Hiraeth
by WildNoa13474
Summary: (n.) a home that you can't return to, or never was
1. chapter 1

**Title:** **Hiraeth**

 **Author: WildRosa13474**

 **Summary:** **(n.) a home that you can't return to, or never was**

 **A/N yes, another fic. I'm so sorry everyone waiting for other updates.**

 **Chapter 1:** **Oblivion**

The dewdrops glinstering on the single cyclamen flower were a beautiful sight. Allen found it a bit strange that there was dew on a flower in the Ark, but then again, the Ark represented the harbourer of all life. The Ark was a semi-sentient being, creating and maintaining a safe environment to live in. It shouldn't come as a surprise that the Ark cared for the flowers as well.

He focused back on his goal. Thinking about trial things was only a way of distracting himself from the real issue.

Allen walked on, towards his destination. The Musician's Room lay in the true heart of the Ark, accessible only to those who know what's it was.

A few steps away from the beautiful piano, Allen paused. He didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't even know why he came here- well, yes, he did know. The room just had this calming effect on him, the piano more so, allowing Allen to forget reality for a moment.

He wanted to forget, but at the same time, he knew he shouldn't. And he wouldn't.

The Order had gone too far this time.

 _Calm yourself, nephew,_ Neah spoke up when he felt Allen about to get lost in memories. _You'll never have to go there again._

Allen focused on his uncle's reassuring words and pushed away all other thoughts as he walked over to the piano. Unexpectedly, a lone tear rolled down his cheek, which Allen quickly wiped away.

 _You have the right to be sad,_ Neah assured him, sounding bitter himself.

Allen didn't answer, just sitting down and letting his fingers hover over the keys. Then he began to play.

It was easy to lose himself in the music like this. He played without thought, letting his fingers move and produce a song his mind didn't know. He could hear Neah humming along in the back of his mind, and Allen managed a small, broken smile.

It was fine. He'd never be alone. Neenah would walk with him, for however long Allen needed him to.

"Neah?" He asked hesitantly, aloud even as he knew his uncle would hear him fine in his mind. He'd finally found the source of the deep longing he's had for a while now.

As his fingers moved thoughtlessly over the piano and the Musician's Melody sounded around the room, he voiced his longing in the shape of a question.

"Neah? Do you ever wish to... start over? To choose a different path?"

The song came to an end and Allen closed his eyes, only just hearing Neah's response before darkness swallowed him.

 _For you, my dear nephew,_ Neah thought sadly, _I would walk any path you choose to walk._

And everything went black.

 _Allen was back in the Order, in the cage he'd come to know so well in the last few months._

 _Allen was scared. In the last few weeks, while being experimented on to see if they could destroy his inner Noah without destroying his powers, he'd gone through agony again and again and again._

 _He wasn't a person to them, not anymore. To them he was a shell, an object, inhuman, they thought of him as a tool. They treated him as such too._

 _When would they come for him again? When would they experiment on him again? Allen had only loneliness as companion, an aching emptiness ever since Neah's consciousness was bound against his will._

 _Allen wondered if his friends remembered him. From one of the conversations he overheard, everyone who didn't see him as a shell was of the opinion the Noah was separate from him, that it could be removed without damage to Allen. It was for his own good._

 _Yeah right._

 _Allen was a Noah. He wasn't just a host for Neah, he never had been, because while Neah's consciousness resides in his body, every human has Noah genes and he was no exception. A Noah in his mind resulted in them activating. Neah and Allen were the Fourteenth together._

 _Central wouldn't hear it, after all, anything against their ideas must be false._

 _His 'inner Noah' wasn't a different person. It was part of him, it was his deepest instincts, his natural bloodlust and hatred that came with being a Noah, but it was the instinctual love for his family too, and his urge to save and protect everyone. His inner Noah was him, not some foreign entity intruding in his mind._

 _Allen was sitting in a corner against the bars in a feeble attempt to cower from the monsters outside, but it didn't matter. The cage could be seen from all sides. His right hand was holding one of the bars, not trying to get out, but longing for freedom all the same._

 _He couldn't remember what freedom felt like. He didn't remember what not being alone in the world felt like._

 _But he did, he remembered. He could never forget Miranda's actions when he needed help the most._

 _Miranda, frightened and apprehensive as she was, had stood up for Allen. Even as Lavi shut down into Bookman mode, Krory avoided him in guilt, as Kanda turned and walked away after the order started experimenting again and Lenalee stood by watching with frightened eyes as he was dragged away, Miranda was the one calling out for him, begging the CROWs not to take him away, kicking one holding Allen in the shin even._

 _Miranda was dragged away too, and he hadn't seen her again._

 _The next time they took him, they decided to test if lightning affected Allen's Noah side._

 _The shock came unexpectedly, we out warning, and Allen cried out in pain, his throat already too damaged to scream properly, his mind too lost to care._

 _The pure agony Allen felt was reflected in the broken sound, and again, and again, and again there was pain and loneliness and fear as he got electrocuted over and over and if only Neah was here--_

 _Something in Allen's mind snapped, and Allen **screamed**._

 _The scream pierced through the laboratory and the soundproof walls, the latter collapsing in on itself, and echoed through the long halls,_ _anguished and broken and_ _something alike to frustration and rage sounding through._

 _As screams rang out, scientists getting trapped under rubble and whole pieces of ceiling, Allen could only barely register that the electric shocks were gone, and so were the monsters. His damaged mind was dull with exhaustion, but_ _ **the monsters were gone** , and **Neah was here** shouting in worry in Allen's mind. It was not okay, he was not okay, but Neah was here again. He'd be alright._

 _Not even bothering to get away from the dangerous falling rubble, which was piece by piece revealing a starlit night sky, Allen relaxed slightly, in his dazed state. They were gone. They were gone._

... listen to me! You-

 _Neah. Allen did his best to smile reassuringly, even though his uncle wouldn't see it. Maybe it was important, Allen should probably start listening now.. But his body ached, and he felt awful, and he was exhausted, Neah could wait..._

 _A minute later, when the building was done collapsing and the dust was heavy in the air, the silence was broken by a gray skinned figure crawling out from underneath a slab of concrete that was previously part of a wall._

 _Neah, having taken control of his nephew's unconscious body, was seething with rage. For the past few months, all he could do was watch while his dear nephew suffered by the hands of the organization he'd served. Unable to communicate, unable to reassure the broken shell that Allen had become, he'd yelled and struggled and tried to break the seal, his heart breaking a bit more with every torture session Allen endured._

 _Now however, the survivors of their outburst, who were slowly regaining consciousness, would wish they had died when Neah was done with them._

 _These little fucks had hurt_ his _nephew, and no amount of luck could save them now._

 _Neah_ _felt his eyes glow amber as he looked around for survivors in the silent night. In some part of his mind, he duly noted that, to his vague disappointment, the place they had destroyed was not at the Order's headquarters. Instead it was somewhere in a forest, the silence of the night_ _giving the illusion of peace even when a few minutes ago the forest had rung out with screams and crashes._

 _All that could be heard for the next few minutes were the pained screams of the monsters that had tortured a certain someone's precious nephew._

Allen was confused. He called out for Neah, but there was no response.

 _"-so then, to prove a point, Jerry grabbed Toma by the waist and snogged him as if his life depended on it!" Lavi was saying, accompanying his words with large hand gestures and staying completely serious, causing it to be even more amusing._

 _"No! Really?!" Lenalee gasped in disbelief, not acknowledging Allen and Timothy laughing their heads off_ _next to her. Even Link was smiling, and Kanda actually wore a small smirk at Lavi's storytelling shenanigans._

 _"Finally!" Timothy exclaimed, laughing, when he finally got enough breath to comment. "Those two were dancing_ _around each other for months, and everyone knew it!"_

 _The finders and the few scientists in the dining hall either giggled or rolled their eyes at the group's well-known antics, having already heard the story. The news of the two getting together had spread through the building like a wildfire and soon the affectionately named 'Toma-nd Jerry' (pronounced Tom and Jerry) had been approached with congratulations on their relationship- by every single person in the building at the time._

 _Toma, already not much of a people person, had managed to escape to his room blushing while Jerry simply took the congratulations with an elated grin._

 _Allen had finally stopped laughing, but a big smile stayed on his face. This family, these moments... He wouldn't give it up for the world._

It was taken from him, Allen remembered bitterly.

 _"Lavi!"_

 _Bookman hit the aforementioned over the head with a big, heavy-looking tome._

 _"Ow!" Lavi rubbed the forming bump on his head in indignation. "What now, Gramps?"_

 _"Idiot, I told you no more foolish pranks!"_

 _"But Gramps! Yuu looks amazing!" Lavi protested, then added thoughtfully, "This is honestly more of a... makeover, than a prank, you know."_

 _And then, to a bemused Allen next to him, Lavi stage-whispered, "Old Panda doesn't know what he's talking about. Yuu-chan looks better than ever." and looked pointedly at Kanda, who was just walking into the room, Allen finally getting to see what all the fuss was about._

 _As Kanda marched over to their table, drawing Mugen, Allen tried very hard to keep a straight face but ultimately failed and collapsed in a fit of giggles._

 _On Kanda's face various things were written in neon green, the most.. touching being 'Please call me Yuu-chan,' 'Grrr fear me,' and 'I'm always on my period'_ , _which matched Kanda's current face perfectly._

 _Needless to say, the only reason Lavi was still alive after that day is a very good combination of running for his life and recruiting help in the form of Lenalee._

Allen snapped himself out of it and tried to focus on the present, and noticed that he was floating somewhere very dark. There was no light, he couldn't feel the ground, or anything, really, but..

 _"Mana!" He called happily to his father figure, running up to him. "Mana! Look what I found!" He held up the wooden bucket filled with wild berries._

 _He'd gotten the bucket from Mana, with the task of getting some water in a clear stream near their camp, but he'd found a big bush filled with berries instead, and resolved to come back for the water later._

 _"Good job finding so many, Allen." Mana smiled at him._

 _He beamed at the praise, but then his smile faded away as he processed the words. "Mana," he ventured frowning slightly, not wanting to upset the person who'd been like a father to him for a year now, "That's not my name. You know it isn't."_

 _Mana didn't seem to hear him and only laughed._

 _"What do you say, Allen? Should we make berry jam tomorrow?"_

 _Red ignored the weird name thing for the moment and jumped excitedly up and down, his smile back in place. "Yes! Yes! Thank you, Mana!"_

He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his mind. The memories just kept coming, in no particular order. As Allen looked around once more, he saw a pinprick of light in the distance.

Some cliché part of him suggested moving toward the light, but before Allen could even think about how he was supposed to do that, another speck if light appeared in is vision.

 _"Miranda-san!" Allen called over to the bubble of innocence which had protected a wounded Krory from some Akuma._

 _Allen jumped from the tree he had landed in after destroying the last Akuma, and landed in a practiced crouch. Standing up, he brushed some imaginary dust off his Exorcist coat and walked softly over to the bubble of time._

 _"Miranda-san." Allen said again. "The Akuma are gone. You can de-activate your Innocence now."_

 _The bubble faded away to reveal a shivering Miranda crouched over an unconscious and bloodied Krory, clearly exhausted and ready to collapse._

 _Allen sighed. Miranda had been over exerting her innocence again. She was slowly getting better though, no longer falling unconscious all that often and well on her way to master her abilities._

 _"Are you alright, Miranda-san?" Allen smiled at her. "You've been using your innocence a lot. At this rate-"_

 _"No, Allen." She had regained some breath, and had a determined look on her face. "I-I know what you're going to say, but I've seen you give your all and more in battle. You go past all your limits to help your friends, and never complain."_

 _Allen made to shrug it off sheepishly, but Miranda didn't let him speak. As soon as he opened his mouth, she had put up a trembling finger in the universal gesture of 'let me finish', and Allen shut it again. It was rare for Miranda to so brazen about something, but them again, she looked as if she'd wanted to say this for a long time._

 _"You're my friends too, all of you, and even though I'm not a fighter, if.. if I can protect you.."_

 _Her voice shook and her eyes turned to the ground, but snapped up again as she realized what she was doing. Allen saw that her eyes were filled with unshed tears._

 _"And if I can protect you, I damn well will do my very best to!"_

Another speck became visible, a bit smaller. And another. And another bigger one and another slightly different coloured and more and more...

 _When Miranda processed her own words, she clapped a hand over her mouth in horror._

 _Allen shook away his surprise and smiled gently, clasping her other hand._

 _"Miranda," he began, "you may not have an offensive-type Innocence," and looked at her bloodstained clothes and limbs shaking from exhaustion, "but do not, for one second, doubt that you're a fighter, alright?"_

 _Then he pulled her into a hug, and Miranda let out a strangled sound and hugged him back fiercely._

And in no time, everywhere he looked Allen saw the specks of light, shining like stars in the darkness. Actually, that's exactly what it looked like, a clear night sky filled with stars.

 _"Beautiful, aren't they?" Allen murmered staring up at the night sky, from where he was standing, next to the door to the rooftop._

 _"Hn." Kanda responded, looking more annoyed than someone lying on a slanted roof looking at the stars had a right to be._

 _"How incredibly well thought out and articulated," Allen commented dryly, but rather mildly; it was hard to get irritated on a night like this._

 _He walked over to where Kanda was lying and sat down next to him, ignoring the glare aimed at him for doing so._

 _"Komui's been looking for you, you know." Allen said casually, studying a tree absently. "He's been, well, freaking out over the thought you might be stalking Lenalee on her mission to France."_

 _Allen turned to look at him, and Kanda made a disgusted but vaguely amused "Che," the corners of his mouth curling slightly at the thought._

 _When Allen didn't continue the conversation, Kanda decided to break the silence._

 _"Why are you here, Beansprout?" He asked, looking bored._

 _Allen felt his mouth twitch as a sparkle of mischief entered his eyes._

 _"That's a very deep question, BaKanda, and one I'm not sure any human can accurately answer."_

 _Kanda just threw Allen one of his irritated looks- he had plenty, after all- and Allen's smile stayed as his gaze turned upwards again._

 _"I just came to look at the stars."_

 _Kanda accepted the answer and turned back to the sky too. They stayed there for a long while, sometimes breaking the silence with no longer cutting insults and nicknames that had turned fond somewhere along the way._

Just floating there, between the stars, Allen almost felt like he was content, like he could stay here forever.

 _"Tim!"_

 _Allen was chasing after Timcanpy, laughing his butt off. However, he'd promised Lenalee he would get it back for her, so he called out to Tim again._

 _"Tim," Allen said through his laughter, "give that back!"_

 _The golden golem looked back at Allen and almost seemed like he was smirking as he dragged away a photo of Cross and Lenalee nearly kissing._

 _Timcanpy had somehow mastered the art of flying backwards, seemingly taunting Allen by holding the object just out of the white-haired boy's reach. Laughter rang through the air, and some nearby finders smiled as they saw the two rushing past._

 _Right up until Timcanpy got eaten by a stray cat._

 _That was Allen's breaking point. He collapsed to the floor howling in laughter- why on earth was there a cat in the_ _top-secret order headquarters?_

 _Lenalee suddenly rushed over from where she had apparently witnessed the spectacle, her eyes wide and apologetic even in the face of Allen literally rolling on the floor laughing._

 _"Sorry! Sorry!" She called out, hurrying over to the young cat and picking it up. "Fluffy escaped my room while I was showering and I know we're not allowed pets in Headquarters but he's just so cute..."_

 _Lenalee looked slightly bashful, but turned resolute when she met a still snickering Allen's eyes. "Well, I couldn't just leave him meowing sadly on the streets in Denmark!"_

 _Allen broke out in laughter again. Well, at least the photo was destroyed._

And Allen smiled and closed his eyes once more...

 _"Allen!"_

 _Turning around, Road's grinning face met him closer than anticipated, and Allen startled a bit._

 _"I have to go now, Road." Allen reminded her tiredly, meeting her amber eyes._ _He'd swear she was trying to stall his departure, as she'd called him back for something two times already._

 _This time, however, her grin faded and she looked him in the eyes, dead serious for once._

 _"Be safe, alright?"_

 _Then she pecked him on the lips and left Allen blushing furiously as she skipped back to her door giggling, and Allen wondered if he'd imagined the moment._

 _Tyki, who was waiting by Road open door, gave Allen a playful salute and smiled at him a little wistfully as Allen recovered from Road's attack._

 _"See you next time, Shounen. And remember, when 'next time' comes, we'll be on opposite sides of the battlefield."_

 _There was a flash of regret in Tyki's eyes as he said these_ _words, and Allen nodded seriously, both an acknowledgement and a goodbye._

 _Allen turned around and walked away._

... and opened them to a different night sky.

Allen felt himself now sitting on a hard earth ground. He was sitting against something cold and hard, and when he looked down he could see a big forest, but not the one he'd glimpsed through the parts of the collapsing building.

Had someone carried him elsewhere...?

Allen turned himself around, which was weirdly hard. He felt clumsy and unbalanced, and there was something absolutely and utterly wrong.

His eyes fell upon the thing he'd been sitting against.

 _N-Neah?_

No answer came as Allen kept staring at Mana's grave.

 **A/N** **I know, I know, I should really be writing other fics, but I was reading D. Gray man fics and none of them really satisfied my JOIN THE NOAH ALREADY ALLEN AND STAY THERE opinion. So I had to write one myself. Besides, the urge the write Neah fics was so strong I'd almost suspect the 15th Noah AKA The Writer was possessing my body for a while.**

 **Edit: one of them actually did now. Satisfy my opinion, that is, not possess my body. It's called Innocent Monster. It's a masterpiece.** **I'd recommend it to anyone reading this, as you are probably looking for Noah!Allen if you've found this fic.**

 **Also, what is it with me and waking up near a forest? Seriously, I've written characters waking up in a forest so many times in Ultimatum, and now here.**

 **Flower meaning-**

 **Cyclamen: Resignation and good-bye.**

 **Source: http/content/flower-meanings-language-flowers**


	2. chapter 2

Allen pushed himself up, stumbling but managing to keep himself up. It was like he had to remember how to walk. Had he been out of commission for that long?

He began heading to the nearest town, the town where Mana had died all those years ago. It wasn't far and along the way his walk became more balanced as he got used to it.

What was happening? Allen intended to get answers as soon as Neah was responding again. Because he could _feel_ Neah was still there, although that feeling was much more distant than usually. There had to be something wrong.

He walked into the village, looking around, and was not prepared for what he saw.

There was a carriage crashed on the side of the small street, a few people helping to clean up the rubble. A bit away was a pool of blood, staining the cobblestones a deep red.

Allen's heart stuttered.

And suddenly he realized _he could stand. He could walk._

The wounds, the marks, the scars he received from his time at the Order were _gone._

Allen's panicked breath sounded distant to his own ears as he raised his hand to his cursed scar- no, not a scar yet. It was a closed wound, only just beginning to scar.

The past. He was back in the past.

Allen breathed deeply to calm his racing heart. This could be good. This could be...

He wasn't going back to the Order. Ever.

What was he going to do? To the Noah he was a traitor, even if they didn't know it yet, that wouldn't last long. Neah...

Neah hadn't awakened yet. Neah couldn't save him this time. Allen was alone.

He walked away from the street with the carriage, not able to look at it any longer. He walked further, through the town, towards the trainstation.

What he was going to do with this he didn't know, but Allen was at least going to get far away from here before Cross came along. He didn't think he could survive another five years with the drunk.

Allen easily snagged a train ticket. It had been a while, but he hadn't forgotten how to, thankfully. It was only when he was well on his way that he allowed himself to breathe easily.

Allen leaned back against the seat, taking some measure of comfort out of the vibrations of the train.

He just couldn't decide if this was incredibly lucky or something horrible. Sure, it was a second chance, an opportunity to do it all right, but..

He'd have to do everything, go through every hell he'd already been through for a second time. He would never truly get back the bonds he'd had with the ones he'd considered family.

And Neah. Allen hadn't awakened yet, and forcing an awakening was painful and problematic, not to mention the attention it would attract. He'd have the Noah on his tail immediately, chasing the traitorous Fourteenth.

No, Allen wasn't about to force his awakening. But that meant he couldn't talk to Neah yet either.

Luckily Crown Clown's and his' synchronization depended on mental and emotional development, not physical. At least there was that.

Although Allen didn't know if Hevlaska would sense his Innocence. She could sense it when someone broke the 100% synchronization mark, but since that had technically never happened in this timeline, would she sense his sudden appearance?

If the Order hunted him down.. With how he was now, physically untrained and mentally still recovering, he'd be found and used as tool in the war in no time.

He was too tired for this. Allen slumped against his seat, closing his eyes. He remembered the torture, the experiments he'd lived through at the Order... He was never going there again.

 **A/N short, I know, but I've been stuck here for a while an decided to just upload what I have so far.**


	3. interlude

**I feel like I'm writing slight crack. I swear I tried really hard to keep it serious and in tone with the series and stuff but I guess you need sleep to do that do I gave up about halfway. I should really get some sleep. By now I'm just running on chocolate Easter eggs and spite.**

 **Don't mind the absolute chaos that is this interlude. Hopefully I'll be forced to sleep soon enough and you'll get a real chapter.**

You know how people sometimes get stupid ideas? And these people, they realize their idea is really really dumb and could never end well. But, for some reason, they don't give up on it, like any sane person would do. No, these idiots say a phrase like 'Hold my beer', or 'What's the worst that could happen?', or 'GERONIMOOOO!'

Allen Walker didn't scream any of these as he rushed into battle to save an exorcist from the Black Order. Probably because he was too busy with being an idiot.

In an instant, a single moment before the lone exorcist would've been crushed to bits by the level two Akuma's sledgehammer, a white shape flashed in front of the man. A loud _CLANG_ sounded, and when the metaphorical dust cleared the damsel in distress looked up in wonder.

Before him was an- an angel! It had blocked the Akuma's blow with a huge sword, taller than himself! Which was not a great feat, as his savior was incredibly short. The exorcist could barely even make out a figure under the grand white cape-looking thing.

To the amazement of the whole one-man audience, the white blob made quick word of the level 2 with a series of heav(il)y offensive slashes. He could only assume the goblin-looking Akuma was incredibly offended, but sadly didn't get the chance to confirm that, as the demon dissolved into dust with a scream.

The figure stood for a moment, before turning around and giving the exorcist behind them, who saw that the figure was wearing a silver mask, a once-over. The latter was shaking slightly, but otherwise largely unharmed.

"A-Angel.." The yet unnamed exorcist muttered in awe, before quickly bowing low, almost smashing his face onto the cobblestones in the process. "Thank you! Thank you! I will forever be in your debt!"

"Stop, please." His angel sounded humble, and the exorcist stared, partly because her gentle, feminine tone really did sound like a choir of angels...

Of course, the guy was an idiot who heard what he wanted to hear, instead of a pained, ten year old boy's voice. Allen took a wary step backwards, half afraid that the exorcist would hug his leg and never let go. Luckily for Allen, the other was too busy spacing out thinking of his pretty little angel, and he could make a quick escape.

Once temporarily settled on a nearby rooftop, Allen sighed in relief as he deactivated his Innocence. "Thank you, Crown Clown. If that guy had seen my face..." Allen shuddered, and not just because that particular exorcist creeped him out a bit. Eventually, it would've got back to the Order and that was a disaster he'd been hoping to avoid.

That could've been... No, that should've been a lot worse. Allen had been incredibly lucky right then. Had that been Lenalee, for example, she would've chased him through the whole city until she caught him.

It was moments like these Allen wished for his trained and hardened older body back. Sure, he'd built his body up again over the last few months the best he could, but it was still only ten years old and he had a lot of work ahead.

Allen exhaled deeply as he hopped off the roof, landing lightly. Thinking of work could come later. Next stop: bakery.


End file.
